Signs of Getting Old
- Sex is now on the Quarterly Plan.
- A fortune teller offers to read your face.
- A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
- After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest
before applying a second coat.
- All your favorite music groups now only have "The Best Of
..." compilation CD's at the stores.
- Dialing long distance wears you out.
- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
- Instead of strawberries, you put prunes on your cereal.
- It takes you all night to try to do what you used to do all
night.
- The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes
off.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your
bifocals.
- The little old gray-headed lady you help across the street
is your wife.
- You are finally allowed to stop sucking in your gut.
- You are on a first name basis with your proctologist.
- You are startled the first time you are addressed as an old
timer.
- You are still chasing women, but can't remember why.
- You are visiting a museum with your grandson and a guard
tells him to don't touch the exhibits.
- "You are what you eat" turns out to be true.
- You burn the midnight oil until 9pm.
- You feel like the morning after and you haven't been
anywhere.
- You get winded playing cards.
- You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your
friends who exercised.
- You have too much room in the house and not enough in the
medicine cabinet.
- You join a health club and don't go.
- You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
- You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning
against the wrong wall.
- You have already gone to two Woodstock festivals in your
lifetime.
- You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
- You notice more and more younger drivers waving at you with
one finger.
- You own the same music recording in 78 RPM, 8-track,
cassette tape, 45 RPM, 33 RPM, and Compact Disc formats.
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- You start answering to "Geezer".
- You suddenly notice Bea Arthur has nice legs.
- You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic
reasons.
- You walk with your head high trying to get used to your
bifocals.
- YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS
SIZE PRINT.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- Your children begin to look middle aged.
- Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago
Today..."
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- Your walker is equipped with an airbag.
- Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down when you
see a pretty girl.